Married people who have affairs find themselves extremely satisfied, express little remorse, and believe the cheating did not harm their otherwise healthy marriages, according to a new study of the psychology of infidelity. The extensive survey of people who use Ashley Madison, a website that facilitates extramarital affairs, calls into question commonly held beliefs about infidelity, particularly about cheaters’ motivations and experiences. The study has just been published in the journal Archives of Sexual Behaviour.
The purpose of this study was to gain a better understanding of the psychological experiences of those who seek and engage in extramarital affairs. Selterman collaborated with researchers at the University of Western Ontario to survey nearly 2,000 active Ashley Madison users before and after they had affairs.
Participants were asked about the state of their marriage, why they wanted to have an affair, and how they were feeling in general. Respondents, who were mostly middle-aged and male, expressed strong feelings for their partners but little sexual satisfaction.
Participants expressed strong feelings for their spouses, but nearly half of them said they were not sexually active with their partners. Sexual dissatisfaction was the most frequently cited reason for having an affair, with other reasons including a desire for independence and sexual variety. Fundamental relationship issues, such as a lack of love or anger towards a spouse, were among the least-mentioned reasons for wanting to cheat.
The survey found that cheaters who had good marriages were no more likely to regret their affairs. Participants reported that their affair was both sexually and emotionally satisfying and that they did not regret having it.
The survey found that cheaters who had good marriages were no more likely to regret their affairs. Participants reported that their affair was both sexually and emotionally satisfying and that they did not regret having it.
“The take-home point for me is that maintaining monogamy or sexual exclusivity especially across people’s lifespans is really, really hard and I think people take monogamy for granted when they’re committed to someone in a marriage. People just assume that their partners are going to be totally satisfied having sex with one person for the next 50 years of their lives but a lot of people fail at it. It doesn’t mean everyone’s relationship is doomed, it means that cheating might be a common part of people’s relationships.”